Ep.3: Immortal, Squeaky and Perfectly Average

In this episode of No Good Options, Darren, Sam and Kara discuss whether living forever would really be worth giving up laughter, debate the pros and cons of permanently sticky hands versus squeaky feet, and explore what skill they would choose if they could instantly become average at it.

As always, the conversation quickly wanders into unexpected territory, covering everything from board games and brain surgery to politics, communication, cleaning, cancer research, and the future of humanity. 

Look out for new episodes every 2 weeks and if you enjoy this episode, we'd really appreciate a good rating on your podcast platform of choice and a share with anyone who enjoys questionable debates and impossible decisions. If you have a scenario you'd like us to discuss in a future episode, or just want to get in touch, you can reach us at nogoodoptionspodcast@gmail.com.

Disclaimer: The views, opinions, arguments, and questionable decisions discussed in this episode are part of a light-hearted comedy conversation based on hypothetical scenarios. Nothing in this podcast should be taken as professional advice, factual guidance, or a serious life plan. Listener discretion is advised.

Transcript

Darren 0:28

Hello, and welcome back to No Good Options, the podcast where we ask the what if, if you could, and the would you rather questions just begging to be asked. Each episode we bring a different scenario to ask each other, ranging from the absurd to the surprisingly thought-provoking. I'm your host, Darren, and with me today is my co-host Sam and Kara. So let's kick things off with let's go with you, Kara. I'm coming to you because you just put chocolate in your face.

Kara 0:55

Okay, so what if you could live forever, but only if you never laughed again?

Sam 1:02

Yeah, easy yes. No question. Hang on. Love the idea of living forever.

Darren 1:06

So we've just been watching, we've just been watching um Last One Laughing. Last One Laughing. The UK version and the Canadian version. Is this where this has come from?

Sam 1:15

Mm-hmm. Wait, okay, wait. So because when you say can't laugh, is that like if I laugh I die? Oh yeah. Oh no. Oh someone Oh, I thought I lost the ability to laugh.

Kara 1:25

No, no, no, no, no. Someone comes up to you and they're like, you can live forever, but you can never laugh again. Jesus Christ. And as soon as you laugh, boom.

Sam 1:32

I don't make it past the minute.

Darren 1:34

Like it's Yeah, I mean, if you've ever watched, I I would recommend watching Last One Laughing.

Sam 1:39

Yeah, I've seen the first season.

Darren 1:41

It's great. And Mal Goodridge, you would tell me the day, has done something with the jaw because of it. And that was just after a few hours. Yeah. Imagine your whole life.

Sam 1:51

And you just do it by accent. Like, like if that happened to me, like it wasn't a choice, it was just if you laugh, you die. I'm going for like brain surgery to remove like humour or something.

Darren 2:01

Like a lobotomy.

Sam 2:03

Like a lobotomy. That's the only way I'm making it through.

Darren 2:05

Like because like if you see an old person fall down the stairs, you're laughing on you. I'm sorry. Jesus. I mean, that's dark.

Sam 2:14

That is dark. How'd you not? I was like comedy show, hanging out with friends, no elder abuse. That is what gets you.

Darren 2:20

You can avoid comedy shows, you can avoid friends. You can't avoid an old person falling down the stairs. Just saying Is immortality worth it if you're avoiding friends? We've got to say friends, but that's the thing.

Kara 2:30

If you do if you do it from the other perspective of you can live forever, but we take away your ability to laugh. So you take away that ability for that. That's easy. Yeah, but you're taking away that ability for that big burst of happiness.

Sam 2:43

Wait, no, so do you still find things funny, but you just physically can't laugh? Or you just no longer find things funny.

Darren 2:50

Yeah, you just do this instead. That's laughing. It's not.

Sam 2:54

You're going. Wait, what if I'm like, that's so funny? Oh, that's so annoying. That's so funny. Just really deadpan. That's so funny.

Kara 3:06

But it's like, it's an it's no, so you still find things funny, but you physically can't laugh. And again, on last one laughing, someone physically hurt themselves because she was trying to contain a laugh.

Sam 3:18

Ooh, okay. So this is like you still get the impulse to laugh, you still get the impulse to laugh, but you physically can't laugh. That probably would be pretty bad as well. Yeah, because I think that'd be painful.

Kara 3:27

So every time somebody like every time you find something funny, it's painful.

Sam 3:32

Yeah, you just feel pain forever.

Darren 3:34

See, the awkward thing with this as well is like you couldn't say, I live my life as normal, and then when I get old and miserable, that's when I'll trigger it so I never die. Because you're too old at that point to really find anything funny. Yeah, by the by the time you enjoy life. Exactly. By the time you're at the point where nothing is funny anymore, you're probably not gonna go out and enjoy yourself, are you? So then it's no existence.

Sam 3:54

Yeah, okay. But because like here's the thing. So I'm assuming this is the kind of immortal talent where you get frozen at your current age. Yeah. Like living forever as like an 80 or 90 year old body, that's probably not worth it either.

Darren 4:07

That's what I'm saying that's what I'm saying. Yeah. You know, if you if you kind of like go, well, I'm not gonna make a decision, yeah. Let me just get to an older age and then I'll put it in place because I now have no joy in life. Everyone around me I like is dead. So um I'm never gonna laugh again. I wouldn't want to live forever at that age anyway. I'd want to do it at this age.

Sam 4:25

Yeah, no, I definitely want to live forever now. Like, but I'm assuming it comes with healing, right? But or is this just you don't age, but you can still die in a car accident?

Kara 4:33

Oh, it's just that you're immortal, so yeah, I would say you can heal and everything. You're just you're just not gonna die, but you're gonna you're gonna survive things and use modern medicine to heal.

Sam 4:43

Oh, okay. Paracetamol. Yeah, cures everything.

Kara 4:46

So yeah, if you're in it, so you have to be wary, because if you're in a car crash, it's still gonna really, really hurt, but it's not gonna be.

Darren 4:53

On the plus side, you wouldn't be laughing.

Kara 4:55

You would not be laughing.

Darren 4:57

Oh, I don't know. So you're not gonna you don't know?

Sam 5:00

Like, I don't know. I I did find the last car accident I was in like a little funny. Like you just get like nervous laughter, like kids. It's like, oh no, that was awful. Do you get coma laughter? Can I love a good coma laugh? I mean, I I'm not gonna do it. This is a wild take on laughter is the best medicine, except it's the worst poison.

Darren 5:21

Yeah, yeah. But you wouldn't last two minutes. I'm directing that at you, Kara. But equally you too, Sam, but yeah, Kara, you're gonna have to go to the book.

Kara 5:29

Oh no, I would never agree to it. If if it was literally like you have the ability to laugh, but you die if you do laugh. There's no way on earth I'd agree to that. I don't think I'd agree to not laughing ever again either. It's such a nice feeling to laugh. Like you're taking one of the nicest things about living away from you to live forever. I mean, you've only got food left after that.

Sam 5:50

You've only got food left.

Darren 5:52

Yeah, and to be fair, some food is funny.

Kara 5:54

And then food can make you do funny things. Like, like when you're wee and it smells like asparagus or when you fart.

Darren 6:01

Yeah, that's why I don't eat bananas.

Sam 6:03

Yeah, I I couldn't do it. Yeah, I couldn't do it. Just wouldn't be worth it. Also, would kill me.

Darren 6:09

But could you, on the theme of Last When Laughing, yeah, could you go even an hour without laughing?

Kara 6:14

Yes.

Darren 6:15

No, I don't think you could.

Kara 6:16

Maybe not in other people's company, but because you put it by your company. Yeah, no, yeah, nailed it by nailed it by myself.

Darren 6:23

Yeah, I've just done a solid eight hours without laughing. I was asleep the whole time. Yeah, I mean I don't think you could do an hour. So on a games night when we're all together, so everyone was around the other Saturday, everyone came around about what, half one. We played our first game at like eight o'clock at night. That whole time was just us shooting the breeze. There was a lot of laughter in there. Yeah, a lot of laughter.

Kara 6:46

I couldn't be with friends and people without laughing for an hour. No.

Darren 6:51

Yeah, no way. So how are you gonna do it for your whole life?

Kara 6:53

You couldn't, that's why I wouldn't agree to it.

Darren 6:55

What a shit scenario.

Kara 6:57

I'm sorry.

Darren 6:59

Like it's it's you know, it's a good scenario, it's a good scenario, but nobody in the world is going for that, are they?

Sam 7:05

I reckon there'd be some miserable people that would A, there's miserable people, B, there are people that like had accidents and lost like their sense of humour and their ability to laugh and like.

Darren 7:14

They're laughing on the inside, Sam.

Sam 7:16

Yeah, but on the inside doesn't kill you in the scenario. It kills you on the inside.

Darren 7:21

A physical laugh kills a physical body.

Sam 7:23

You get dead inside.

Darren 7:26

Yeah, no one, no one really is going for that.

Kara 7:29

I think they would. I think there'd be people that would be that desperate to live for the rest of their life. It like to be immortal that people go for it.

Darren 7:37

I don't think I'd want to live together, live forever, like the state of the world now obviously political fuck up.

Sam 7:43

I feel like you're going like because you're not currently like in an absolute power dictator. Like Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong un, like they're in absolute power. Xi Jinping.

Darren 7:53

You're never laughing then, are you?

Sam 7:54

Like, you know, then they don't laugh anyway. I mean they probably do laugh, but they're not laughing in media, so obviously they've got training to like not laugh.

Darren 8:00

Um and you get to Genocide will do that for you.

Sam 8:04

You get to run a country forever, like you know, I can see them taking that deal.

Darren 8:08

Yeah, but I don't think forget the deal. I don't think I'd want to live forever with how everything is like. I feel sorry for our kid having to grow up now.

Kara 8:17

Yeah.

Darren 8:17

And that's in normal time, not in like frozen time.

Kara 8:20

But some people are absolutely petrified of dying as well.

Darren 8:24

Yes, they are. This is true.

Kara 8:26

And that would skew people to taking immortality over laughter.

Darren 8:31

I'm okay, I've not hit the midlife crisis yet. I might be scared of dying after that. Like, I'm not not scared of dying, but it's not c all consuming.

Kara 8:38

No, but for some people it's yeah, but for some people it would be. Yeah.

Darren 8:41

So they would but to never laugh again. Yeah, not worth it. I'm voting no. Yeah, me too.

Kara 8:46

Yeah, no, I think it's quality over quantity.

Darren 8:49

In a world of no good options, we've found the one which has one solid good option. So yeah. So that was a scenario. So that was the first scenario, and I think we're all in agreement. We'd rather laugh than never laugh again. Okay. So next, let's go with me. Would you rather have hands that are always slightly sticky or feet that always squeak when you walk? Is this feet squeaking even when I'm in shoes or only when I'm barefoot? I know, even when you're in shoes. This is like your foot just pressing down on the floor causes it to squeak.

Sam 9:27

It's like a weird like air pocket in my foot or something that's like causing it. Okay. Or an air horn. Or an air horn. I have an air horn implanted surgically into both of my feet.

Darren 9:38

But it doesn't make the noise an air horn makes, it just squeaks.

Sam 9:42

Terrible. Let down air horns. Airhorns at the end of their air cycle. That is that's exactly it. Surgically implanted into my feet.

Darren 9:49

Yeah. Or your hands are slightly sticky. See, can I get like soundproofed shoes? No.

Sam 9:55

No. What do you mean no? Like it metaphysically like transfers sound no matter through anything.

Darren 10:00

Yes. Let's say yes.

Sam 10:02

Oh, okay, because here's the thing. If I'm breaking physics.

Darren 10:05

And I'll say, I'll say the reason why I say this is because otherwise you'd say, well, I could put a pair of gloves on and then I don't have sticky hands. Yes, that's why. Your hands are still sticky.

Sam 10:12

Okay. Oh, okay. This is this is good because both of these break physics, and I feel like I could get quite a lot of money just through being researched.

Darren 10:20

I I like the idea that the fact that shoes can't dampen it is the bit that breaks physics, not the scenario in itself.

Sam 10:27

Yeah, because I can have two air horns surgically implanted into my heels today, like if I wanted to. I can find a mad surgeon, like. Go on then. Go on then. Fine. For this podcast, I will commit.

Darren 10:42

So yeah, in this theoretical world, like all these questions are, until we're lucky enough to be able to make them a reality. What are you gonna go with?

Kara 10:49

Hands down, squeaky feet.

Darren 10:51

How would you sneak around places? You'd be attacking.

Kara 10:53

I don't need to sneak. I don't, I do not like having sticky fingers. It I can't know. But you can't I couldn't live with sticky fingers.

Darren 11:01

But it reminds me of like Home Alone 2, the sticky bandits, where they're just walking down the street, they put the hand in a charity box and they've got all the money stuck to it.

Kara 11:09

But this is the other thing, I use the word sticky fingers as a euphemism for stealing things. Yeah. So I couldn't cope with having sticky fingers because that's what I call thieves.

Sam 11:17

So wait, would you be offended then every time someone's like, oh, they've got some sticky fingers landing them in jail? You'd be like, Yeah, I'd be like, dare you, sir.

Kara 11:24

Yeah.

Darren 11:24

I also like how you were like, you use that as a euphemism. Yeah. Not that everyone in the world, that it's not a commonly known sticky fingers means thieves then. Just a euthanasia.

Kara 11:33

Although people obviously use it, but do they ask permission to use it?

Sam 11:38

No, they don't.

Darren 11:39

Oh my god.

Sam 11:40

Oh, this is the problem. We're gonna get letitious up in here. Yeah.

Darren 11:43

The lawyers will be coming for you. Here, you've heard this first. If you say sticky fingers to mean thieving, the lawyers are coming for you.

Kara 11:50

No, it's just a use it very I use it a lot.

Darren 11:53

How often are you thieving?

Kara 11:54

I'm not, it happens a lot at work.

Sam 11:56

Oh, okay. You get a lot of people stealing from the pharmacy?

Kara 11:59

Well, not always from the pharmacy, but from store as well. So, like, I call them people with sticky fingers.

Sam 12:04

You do, yeah, yeah. Like while you're just watching them leave. Like you're giving them some tips, like, hey sticky fingers.

Kara 12:09

Yeah, this is actually I've found out that people have done it.

Darren 12:12

But then but then in this scenario, those people wouldn't be people with sticky fingers because everybody'd have sticky finger fingers or squeaky feet.

Kara 12:18

So my decision affects the entire world.

Darren 12:21

Yeah, yeah, why not? No, no, no, it's gotta be you actually, yeah.

Kara 12:24

Yeah, I was gonna say, because otherwise Because if everyone's the same, it's just a norm. Yeah, that just becomes norms.

Sam 12:28

Like no one's like, oh no, Darren's here with squeaky feet again. They're just sort of like, oh, here's Darren walking normally.

Darren 12:34

Yeah, yeah, no, it's just you then.

Sam 12:35

Just you.

Kara 12:36

Yeah, no, definitely. I don't like having sticky fingers.

Sam 12:38

I mean, it's a nightmare sneaking into like a movie theatre when you're late, though. You know, like sorry, eek, sorry, sorry, eek. You were thinking we went to see Oppenheimer and we all got in the race.

Darren 12:47

You know, we were 10 minutes late in Troppenheimer, and that'd have been terrible. Just the sense of like, now I am become eek, death, eek. And the worst thing is, is everyone in the theatre hated the fact we were late anyway.

Sam 12:58

Imagine if we were there making noise. But at the same hand, while you're like going past them, like, oh, excuse me, and you're sticking to their legs and you're sticking to like their while you're feeling random people up in the cinema.

Kara 13:08

But it's not just that, like, if you've got sticky fingers, you open that cinema door and they someone comes in after you and they get sticky fingers as well from your sticky.

Sam 13:17

Oh, yes, this is what I was going to ask about. But you'd be great at sport. So, would you be banned?

Kara 13:21

Yeah, but out your bowling cricket because the ball had stick to your hand.

Darren 13:24

No, momentum would like my hand.

Sam 13:26

So how sticky?

Kara 13:29

It's slightly sticky.

Sam 13:30

Am I like Spider-Man sticky? Like, can I climb walls with my sticky hands? Slightly sticky. Like a filogram rating that on the flat surface, the stickiness.

Kara 13:40

Yeah, what am I picking up with my sticky hands?

Darren 13:42

Well, you're picking up anything that your hand can normally pick up with, but it just sticks a little bit. Just like a little bit. Yeah. Does it leave a residue?

Kara 13:48

Let's say yes. Yeah, definitely woman's sticky finger. Like a snail.

Sam 13:52

Oh no. Snail fingers. Oh, I can't leave a snail trail everywhere I go. Like it's not dripping off your hands. Are you feeling everything up? Irony. Like, okay, just coming in here today, like snail trail over, I've got to stop saying that. Over like the handle, over the glass, over the table, over the chair, over the coat, like, you know, we've got like a ball of chocolate set out here. Yeah, all your clothes. All like the rest of the chocolates, like, like the edge of the bowl's got like snail choice. Is it toxic?

Darren 14:26

No.

Sam 14:26

Can I set like so after I've left this residues, the residue's still a little bit sticky.

Darren 14:31

It'll dry. Oh, okay. Eventually. And then you get that really weird crusty. Oh, okay.

Kara 14:36

And then you'd have that all over your clothes.

Sam 14:38

I would have it all over my clothes, yeah. Yeah. So yeah, sticky fingers or squeaky feet. Because I'm leaving a residue, it has to be squeaky feet.

Kara 14:45

Yeah, squeaky feet.

Sam 14:45

It's less, it's less annoying to those around me. Like, we play a lot of board games, right? You're not playing board games with me if I'm every component I'm covering in a crusty sleigh slime.

Kara 14:57

Yeah, and the squeaky feet won't affect me because you're sitting down.

Sam 14:59

Because I'm sitting down. Oh, maybe I'm wheelchair bound. I mean, this is I mean, it just means you squeak.

Darren 15:04

You don't have to like. Yeah, but that's how I get around it.

Sam 15:07

Like, if I'm in scenarios where like I absolutely cannot have squeaky feet, then I go in with a wheelchair.

Kara 15:12

And just hope them wheels aren't squeaky.

Sam 15:15

Oh yeah, no, is this transferable? Because I mean, we're still going on okay, because because this is the other thing, right? Because the energy for that squeak's gonna come from somewhere. Oh gosh. Like, you know, do I burn more calories every time I walk because like I'm generating more sound with every step?

Darren 15:31

That's the bit you're concerned about. Not where the stickiness comes from for your hands.

Sam 15:34

Well, no, I'm like, I'm just gonna follow up with that. We've already established that the rules of physics don't apply. Yeah, I'm definitely getting like a big scientific study about me.

Darren 15:44

I mean, I like to creep up on Kara and jump out on you all the time.

Sam 15:49

I could never do it if I squeaked every time I Well, no, you just attach squeaky shoes to Ripley so that Kara gets used to squeaky sounds all the time. She's got that with squeaky toys. Yeah, exactly. You just give them more squeaky toys. For clarity, Ripley is a dog.

Kara 16:02

Not the baby.

Sam 16:03

No, Ripley is their baby. They're trying to cover this up. Uh if childline are listening, gave it a squeaky toy.

Darren 16:11

Everything was fine. And then we played fetch with it. Yeah, I think I'd go with squeaky feet maybe as well.

Kara 16:19

Oh, so another no-good option where we've all gone for the same thing.

Darren 16:23

Some people would have definitely, definitely gone for the sticky hands. Yeah, but no one here.

Sam 16:29

So we got harmony.

Darren 16:32

I feel like I'm gonna go for sticky hands just because of this. I mean, they're only slightly sticky, so it's not a lot of residue being left behind.

Kara 16:39

Okay, but nobody likes sticky fingers.

Darren 16:40

Like, literally, we can't play board games with you anymore. Yeah, that's true. But I could also never drop anything. How many times have you dropped sort of like a glass?

Sam 16:47

Honestly, I drop things so often that I'm now good at catching things.

Kara 16:50

It's good, it's teaching you reflex.

Sam 16:52

Yeah, it's teaching me fantastic reflexes just for things I drop and when people throw babies at me. Oh yeah. Which has happened today. Which, you know, wouldn't you wouldn't think was a skill I needed.

Darren 17:03

Yeah, but I'd be even more assured that you wouldn't drop the baby if you had sticky fingers.

Sam 17:08

I'm sorry, do you want like weird sticky residue all over your baby? I mean, he's normally sick all over him, so that's the thing.

Kara 17:17

Any human contact sticky. So shaking hands, like could you imagine going for a job interview and shaking hands with the interviewer and you've got sticky fingers?

Sam 17:26

Oh nice. There might be people that's a power move. That's like a strong handshake.

Darren 17:30

Like so that exists already. The amount of people I've interviewed where their hands have been so sweaty.

Kara 17:35

Yeah, but that's sweaty, not sticky.

Darren 17:36

It goes sticky. Oh. Like after you've shaken that wet hand, if you don't wipe that off, it starts to dry and gets a bit weird. So we already live in a world of sticky fingers. Just not all the time.

Sam 17:47

Yeah, but we can wear gloves in this world.

Darren 17:48

That's that is also true. I'm gonna go with the squeaky feet. The air horn, run out of gas, squeaky feet. Mm-hmm. Nice. Kara?

Kara 17:55

And squeaky feet all the way.

Darren 17:57

Sam, hands down, squeaky feet, no questions. There we go. There you have it. Three squeaky feet and no sticky hands. Right then. And on to our final one.

Sam 18:06

Sam, over to you. Alright. Here's the one. You pick a skill that you become the global average at. Which skill are you picking? The global average. Global average. Everyone in the world gets equally put into this pool, and then you get the skill of the global average. Which one are you picking?

Darren 18:23

What skill?

Sam 18:23

Yeah, this is this is a cascading question. I've got a few layers to this question.

Darren 18:27

I mean, I'd say I'm average at a lot of stuff already. Can I only have one?

Sam 18:31

Yeah, yeah, just one.

Darren 18:32

Am I excellent at everything else?

Sam 18:33

No, no. It's like, I mean, honestly, you can just pick, like, you already think that you're average at everything. There isn't a single skill that you're like, God, I kind of wish I was average at that rather than slightly below average. I currently have.

Darren 18:44

I mean, there's things in my life I wish I was average at where I'm currently below average at. Cara, what are you picking?

Kara 18:50

So what an average skill.

Darren 18:52

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kara 18:53

Definitely something DIY based. Like, I don't know, carpentry.

Darren 18:58

Because everyone wants an average carpenter.

Kara 19:01

Yeah, well, I'm very below average now, so I can do nothing. So it would be an upskill for me, even if I just became average.

Sam 19:09

So because like, because here's the thing, right? Part of this question. Oh, here come the layers. No, no, so this is like the first layer. Do you think that if you took the total level of average carpentry of everyone, then it is above the average carpenter?

Kara 19:23

Because like the average skill includes like, you know, babies and like Yeah, no, it's definitely below the average carpenter, but it's above my skill level.

Darren 19:34

You know what would is.

Kara 19:36

So yeah, I would yeah, it'd be something DIY-based, like metalwork, carpentry, bricklaying, something like that that I am just shocking at. I would definitely improve.

Darren 19:47

Are you after a career change? Is that why?

Kara 19:49

Oh no, because I'd only be average, so I don't think that would improve my skills that happened.

Darren 19:54

How often have you not been able to brick uh lay a wall? How often has that been a problem for you?

Sam 20:00

No, no, because like this is the uh the exposure fallacy, right? It's the hidden demand of like as soon as Cara can lay walls, she's laying walls every day. Like, this is a hidden desire that she can't be real.

Darren 20:11

She's laying average walls every day. That doesn't even mean they're straight.

Kara 20:16

No, but my skill will be better than what it is now. Okay, how much so like you go for something where your skill is zero and therefore it's always going to improve because you're still not gonna be good at it, I don't think. Because I think I think if you put everybody together, but yeah.

Sam 20:30

So, like, how much does your answer change if it was like the average of people that did this thing at least once a week?

Darren 20:36

Oh, bricklane's still in. I mean that's a day, that's a different way.

Sam 20:39

You're suddenly doing very good brick lane.

Kara 20:41

I am, yeah, it suddenly gets a lot better.

Darren 20:43

One day's bricklane, the next day's carpentry. She can never keep up.

Sam 20:46

Because I don't know, I feel like I'd be tempted to start like sticking something that's gonna make some real money, you know, brain surgeon.

Kara 20:51

Bricklane.

Sam 20:52

You want to be an average brain surgeon. Average brain surgeon is really good. Like, bear in mind, you're doing this at least once a week, right? Which means you're already better than the lowest level brain surgeon that's currently operating.

Kara 21:04

Okay, but you need to go to you need to get a degree to be a doctor. No hospital is just gonna have you doing surgery on the basis that you walk in and go, I'm a really average brain surgeon.

Sam 21:15

I am the most average brain surgeon you've ever met. I don't know, because I would come in, I'd be like, you have to pay me only half as much as what you're paying your average brain surgeon.

Kara 21:23

But nobody's gonna be willing to have somebody operate that's not a doctor.

Sam 21:27

How many like pretend brain surgeries do I have to do, nailing it every single time before they're like, okay, fine, you can just do brain surgery.

Kara 21:35

You're not nailing it, you're the average.

Sam 21:38

The average nails it every time, I think. The average brain surgeon. He just does an average job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like an average job, but like your upper end is still very good.

Darren 21:47

I I would say, regardless of any kind, well, any kind of brain surgery, I'd want someone who was good at it. You'd want a blue. Like if someone said to me, if I was going in for the And they went, Don't worry, we've got the uh average brain surgeon to come and sort you out. I'd be like, No.

Sam 22:06

If we're being entirely right, because this is like an inherent problem that like everyone wants to be treated by an above average person, but like most of the time you're just hitting the full range. Like if you had brain surgery today, there's pretty good odds that you are just getting an average brain surgeon. Like you're not getting the best in the world.

Darren 22:25

I I'd agree, but I wouldn't want them to tell me that.

Sam 22:28

Okay, you just don't want to know.

Darren 22:29

Yeah, I'd want the lies of going, we flew this guy in, he's the best in the world, not we flew this guy in, he's perfectly average.

Sam 22:36

He's perfectly average. I'm okay with perfectly average brain surgery, you know. Like perfectly average driver, that's a terrible deal, right? Like too many people are drivers.

Kara 22:46

But when you start narrowing down the number of people that are doing it, so but I'd also still want my perfectly average brain surgeon to have been to med school. Not not just someone that has no knowledge whatsoever about the whole entirety of the rest of medicine, but can do this the actually fiddly brain surgeon bit absolutely fine.

Sam 23:06

Entitled millennials these days, when all their brain surgeons go to medical school doesn't have any appreciation for those that pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and got a magic skill bestowed upon them.

Darren 23:19

I like how both of you have attacked this. You've got one person who just wants to be able to layer wall, another one who wants to like complete brain surgery on people. Go on, Darren, what you pay.

Kara 23:28

Either way, we're both making loads of money.

Darren 23:29

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. I think that's that's debatable. Um, what am I gonna go with? I think you're right, Sam, going you want an area that's got a very small small number of people, because with this idea of like doing it once a week.

Sam 23:45

So it's got to be something where like the average human just can't do once a week. You know, put rockets into space.

Darren 23:53

Yeah. I was thinking something NASA-based.

Sam 23:56

NASA based is pretty good.

Darren 23:57

Yeah, but I don't really want to live in America. So uh that's off the cards.

Sam 24:03

I mean, China's trying to go to the moon by 2030.

Darren 24:06

I don't know if this hypothetical scenario will kick in by then. Um I'd be an average politician.

Sam 24:14

Ooh, it's pretty good.

Darren 24:16

You got a career for life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sam 24:18

Um average politician gets voted in. The average politician gets voted in every time. Yeah. Because most of the politicians have been in there for like decades. Yeah. Like it's only the bad ones that like get found out. Get found out. Yeah.

Darren 24:32

You are average levels of corrupt. Exactly. You know, I take an average bribe.

Sam 24:38

Just a very like economical bribe. You really are like the best buyer's bribes.

Darren 24:43

Like, and we don't go for the big, big tech cities. So I, you know, I don't I'm not the Yeah, not Manchester or London. Absolutely, just an average-sized city.

Sam 24:52

Like Sheffield's pretty average.

Darren 24:54

Like Yeah. Yeah. I'm a sh politician from Sheffield.

Sam 24:59

That's pretty good. And then okay, so this is the final one. So you're picking a skill for everyone in the world to become the average. So, like, brought up to the average, if they are already above average at this thing, obviously they don't get pulled back down. But everyone in the world gets a skill that they become the average of the person who does it at least once a week. What would you want everyone to be pretty good at? Communication.

Kara 25:23

I was literally gonna say like tallying jokes.

Sam 25:27

Oh, telling jokes is pretty good. But if everyone tells jokes, is there too many jokes and it stops being funny?

Darren 25:32

No. No. Is this at the same time that you've got your your laughing or dying scenario on again? I didn't feel it's a big enough challenge. So everyone needs to be able to crack a joke.

Kara 25:46

Yeah, those people that picked immortality are kicking themselves right now.

Sam 25:50

You know, like picking like conflict resolution. Everyone's average at conflict resolution. No, no, but conflict resolution that you're as you know, I guess pretty much everyone in the world is doing conflict resolution at least once a week. Yeah, yeah.

Kara 26:02

Yeah, because I was already the case. Maybe maybe that's the issue with me saying people telling jokes as well, because I bet pretty much everybody tells a joke or something.

Sam 26:09

Yeah, like like it does go up for some people. Yeah. Well, I mean, statistically it goes up for like half the world, right? It's probably not have moving the needle as much as if you picked like first aid.

Darren 26:20

See, see, I pick communication for a reason. So how many people fight and fall out with each other because of miscommunication?

Sam 26:28

Solid.

Darren 26:29

How many people fail to just communicate like normal human beings anyway, and then resort to violence or resort to other things? The world would be a better place just by people communicating better. Naturally.

Kara 26:40

Everybody already communicates, so nothing would change.

Sam 26:43

I mean, you pull like the bottom half of communicators up to the average, I guess.

Darren 26:47

And I think that'd be good enough.

Sam 26:49

I think that's enough. That'd be good enough.

Darren 26:50

Yeah. It'd still be a better place. I'd have had a much better childhood.

Sam 26:55

And maybe thinking like critical thinking would be pretty good. You pretty much lose most scams if like because I would also put forward that a smaller percentage of the world does critical thinking every week. Like proper sits down, thinks about a given thing. Yeah. You know, we stop getting scammed by deep fakes as much.

Darren 27:17

But would they just up their game?

Sam 27:18

Yeah, I mean, everyone who is scamming people does become really good at thinking critically about how they're going to scam people. Oh my god, it's just it's never ending. Yeah, actually, no, this is a problem. All of those scammers that scam little old ladies, like they become so much better at communicating to deceive the pensioners into giving up their hard-earned pensions. I'm still going with it. Still going with it. Yeah. Kara, what are you thinking?

Kara 27:42

I still think jokes. I think we should just make it a happier place. And tallying jokes and laughing makes it happier.

Darren 27:49

You can't communicate that though.

Kara 27:52

Yeah, but you can, because you're better at telling jokes.

Darren 27:55

Which makes you a better communicator.

Sam 27:58

You're making communication stretch here. This is some like my superpowers communication.

Kara 28:04

Communication is such a broad, like, I've narrowed it down to specifically a type of communication. You've just decided communication.

Sam 28:12

Yeah, no, Darren's is like a TV show where they're like, this detective is just like a normal detective, except his incredible communication skills gets every bad guy to immediately confess to everything they're doing. Did you do it? He convinces them to give up a life of crime 20 episodes a week. But yeah, what other jobs have just very few people doing it, but they're paid a lot. There must be a lot of jobs in my mind gone blank. I mean, babe IT skills.

Darren 28:42

Yeah, because when I was growing up, no one wanted to go in IT. So we have to definitely have a shortage of people who are in the IT world.

Sam 28:48

Yeah. But again, is AI just gonna take it? It's not even worth it. Coding AI, that's it. That's my average. Coding AI. Very few people create AIs, and if suddenly everyone has the average amount of skill in creating AI, how much more is out there? Like how much faster does it progress?

Darren 29:05

It's an average pace.

Sam 29:08

Podcasting. Everyone has exact average level podcasting.

Darren 29:12

I mean, at least all that get pulled up then. On that scenario, where you were saying that if you're already above average, you remain above average, and everyone who's below average gets pulled up to average. Yes. Does that then change the average? So that means everyone can get pulled back up again?

Sam 29:28

It's a one-time thing. Ah damn. I did consider this because otherwise, yeah, it's just everyone becomes the best. I mean, okay, how much does your answer change, or does it change, if you can make everyone in the world equivalent to the current best in the world in this skill? Like, are you still picking communication? Or is there something that's more valuable if everyone is literally the current level of best in the world at this thing? Olympic diver. So niche valuable skills. Ruin that bit of the Olympics. Like all of the divers that have trained for years and years, and they're like, uh oh, oh, everyone gets the exact same score every single time.

Darren 30:02

Yeah.

Sam 30:03

Which was the most devastating for that? Like astronaut. Because then everyone is like looking at the videos and be like, I wouldn't do it like that. And you know they'd be right.

Kara 30:13

Like see, again, I go with something really trivial.

Sam 30:17

Like an actual okay, a job, right? Everyone becomes the best in the world at this job rather than just having to say communication. I mean, you can still say comedian, I guess.

Kara 30:26

Comedian is still a oh no, I would definitely change it to cleaner.

Sam 30:29

Cleaner.

Kara 30:30

And then everything would be so spotless and nice, and you'd walk down the street and there wouldn't be litter and people wouldn't be.

Sam 30:37

So this is an interesting question because, like, just because someone's really good at it, does that stop the type of person who does litter from littering? Or would they still litter? They just clean it up after him. Oh, you think someone just cleaned it up after? Like, there's always gonna be someone because the skill is just so ingrained.

Kara 30:52

My thing with the cleanup is I just feel like when you know that you've got the skill, things don't A take as long, so you're more likely to do it. But B, if you're really good at it because you see results, you seem to do it more. Like if you've got a stain on something and you can't get it off, it's really frustrating. But if you know that you can get it off and get it off with speed, you're more likely to do it because it's enjoyable to see the end result.

Sam 31:16

Do you think everyone gets messier because it's so much easier to clean stuff now?

Kara 31:20

No, I think it's the opposite.

Sam 31:22

No, so like it gets like you clean it up, but like am I much less careful with my red wine because I'm like, if I spill it in this carpet, I know I can get it off in like a couple of minutes. I think it's a good idea.

Darren 31:31

I think you're right. Yeah, you'd just be like, yeah, I can clean it later. And I know I can clean it. And I know I can clean it. You don't have to do the whole, oh, be careful. It's a new carpet.

Sam 31:40

Chuck your red wine on the carpet. How much do you like do you think cleaners, number of people who are cleaners goes down? Because I feel like the only like you don't pay a cleaner just because they're good at it.

Kara 31:50

It's also you get a cleaner because you can't be bothered to clean. Yeah, yeah. No, but I think if you find something easy, you are more likely to do it. And I think intrinsically everybody wants to be clean. Oh yeah, it's just so I think if you make the skill really easy and accessible to people, and everybody knows how to do everything within that and how to clean things easiest and quickest, then I think orders feel in all this. They're messy, not dirty.

Sam 32:17

Yeah, like they would have spotless clumps of stuff coming around their house. That's so much dusting. Oh, yeah, yeah, it'd be a lot of dusting. Oh, you'd be on it for days. I mean, also when you'll hit that level, it would probably still like because you know you're still putting a lot of effort into cleaning your hoard. So, you know, you know it's easier, but that doesn't mean that you do it nearly as much as you would to keep it spotless. So you're going cleaner. Yeah. See, I'd be tempted to go for something like fixer, you know, maintainer or something. Bricklayer. Bricklayer, not bricklayer. But something that like we don't currently have enough of, and if everyone could do it, everything does just get better. Brain surgery. Because I feel like I don't need to we don't need to do enough brain surgeries. While waiting times for brain surgery is very long, I grant you, it is not so long that a just a reasonable government push to train more people would probably fix the list rather than needing to make eight billion people good at this thing.

Darren 33:14

Cancer research.

Sam 33:15

Cancer research is a fantastic one. That is very up there. Yeah. Everyone being good at cancer research is like, yeah. Because also, if you were the best in the world at cancer research, and but like everyone was that, people just donate their time. Yeah. Like, you know, like if I thought that was gonna make a meaningful change in cancer research, I would donate my time to it.

Darren 33:34

We could eradicate cancer within like five years.

Sam 33:37

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going on the record with that. That is fantastic. Maybe I go broader and just say research and development. But communication was too broad. Yeah, no, fair enough. Fine. I agree with you. But you know, because like you made everyone in the world great at solving cancer. We solve cancer, and that is fantastic.

Kara 33:52

Yeah, but then everybody's got a completely useless skill.

Sam 33:56

Actually, solving cancer is probably still worth it. Yeah, it is. Like, compared to everyone being really good at cleaning for the rest of their life. Because bearing in mind, everyone born after this point won't have this skill. It's like a magic thing that happens right this second, and then everyone born after this second doesn't get bored of the skill.

Darren 34:12

Yours makes it really bad because that means the next generation aren't even going to know what cleaning is.

Sam 34:16

No, no, because the next generation is trained by the best cleaners in the world. Yeah, true. Okay. Like, you know, I bet that's one of those like weird cultural things. Like the aliens come and they're like, why is cleaning such a core tenant of your society? And it's like, yeah, like a million years ago, we all just got magically good at cleaning. Yeah. Then it just gets drilled into the younger generation. I'm still gonna go with cancer research.

Kara 34:38

I mean, it's probably better for society as a whole.

Sam 34:40

Yeah. I'd live in a messy world. Maybe getting to space. I think getting to space is more like long-term useful for the humanity than cancer research. I'm gonna put that out there right now. Because, like, you know, our planet is currently dying. And if we don't fix it, we need to get off this planet.

Darren 34:56

Is it dead in your lifetime?

Kara 34:59

You still gotta think about future generations.

Sam 35:01

Yeah, A, you've got to think about future generations. And B, honestly, maybe. Like, if we don't change anything, the planet could be dead in our lifetime. How long are you planning on living?

Kara 35:09

Like, I don't know. Oh, yeah, because you look at the the uh the graphs and the explanation, like it could be dead in our lifetime.

Darren 35:15

Yeah.

Kara 35:15

Like it's certainly gonna be at the point where there's gonna be that big of a weather shift.

Darren 35:20

Yeah, this is that things are gonna be I'm really glad we tried we decided to have a child to uh support the next generation.

Sam 35:29

Someone needs to look after us when we're old and the meteors are falling, okay? Like when the Sahara has swallowed most of Europe, I still need someone to feed me like jello or whatever happens in old people's homes.

Darren 35:45

The man who's too scared to even hold a baby, never mind, have one.

Sam 35:48

Yeah, well, okay. Someone else's kid is going to look after me in the old person's home. That's what they're paid for. Right. Well, what a down a way to end an episode. Yeah, it is quite grim.

Darren 36:00

Yeah. Yeah, the world is gonna end. You've heard it here. Sam says, in your life, if you're listening to this right now, in your lifetime. And on that note, I think that's it for this episode. I've been Darren, and I've been joined today by my co host Kara. And we've been No Good Options. If you've enjoyed this episode, then make sure to rate us on your podcast platform of choice and share it around. If you want to see your scenarios on future episodes or just want to get in touch, then you can reach us at nogood optionspodcast @gmail.com. Thanks for listening. Bye.

Band 36:37

I would you rather what if if you could. We made it weird like you knew we would. What was your end? Quick No Good Options.